dezembro 23, 2012 by Sarah W

Mãe, querida, agora eu entendo.

Depois de oito meses, decidiram casar. Era 1974.

A noiva olha para o marido na fila do buffet e pensa consigo:

“Meu Deus, pode ser que dê tudo errado daqui pra frente,

mas o importante é que hoje eu acredito”.

A noiva era a minha mãe e durante anos eu não consegui

entender essa história. Achava que acreditar era pouco.

Parecia bastante insensato casar com um moço

que ela não conhecia tão bem. Levei muito tempo até perceber

que acreditar é uma das partes mais difíceis.

Tenho ouvido horríveis histórias de amor.

Namoros longos que resultaram em casamentos meteóricos,

casamentos longos que há muito já não são um casamento,

romances que definharam logo após a assinatura

do único contrato que a gente quer desde menina.

Que fique claro: falo por mim.

Por muito tempo entendi o casamento como a prova

do amor supremo e confesso que já me senti tentada a testá-lo.

Como se a melhor opção, diante de visíveis sinais de desgaste

e cansaço, fosse submeter o amor a uma maratona:

se chegar lá no fim, subir no altar e disser que me ama,

só então vou ter certeza de que isso é amor.

Ao contrário do que possa parecer, acho que

o maior risco não é desistir da prova, mas completá-la usando

o fôlego que resta. Descobrir, depois de todas as formalidades,

um amor esgotado, arranhado demais pra perdoar,

pra relevar, para esquecer.

A carga fica muito pesada.

Agora existem testemunhas, fotos, assinaturas.

Vocês são um casal perante a lei e juraram para

Deus que seria eterno. Juntaram os sobrenomes, chamaram

os amigos para anunciar a nova família e uniram seus profiles

em um relacionamento sério.

Eu não quero um relacionamento sério.

Eu quero um relacionamento leve, um relacionamento bom,

que me traga felicidade e que possa fazer o outro feliz.

Aceito renunciar a alguns desejos, desde que não precise

abrir mão dos meus valores. Quero muito mais naturalidade

que compromisso, mais constância que seriedade.

Quero menos a eternidade que a vida real.

Assim como aquelas entrevistas de emprego que nos

fazem pensar em mudar de profissão, acho totalmente legítimo

que em algum momento a gente pense em desistir de tudo

e acho maravilhoso que depois de um banho, uma conversa,

ou uma noite de sono, a gente acorde e decida continuar,

melhorar, fazer diferente.

Por mais que influencie, não é o valor da festa,

os anos de convivência, ou o somatório das esperanças

envolvidas que nos fazem seguir em frente.

A gente só fica porque acredita.

—-

Quando um dos dois não acredita, o casamento deixa de ser

um projeto de vida e passa a ser um papel timbrado

com data e assinatura. Se você for como eu, especialista

em cobrar atitudes e exigir respostas, fica aqui o conselho:

não vale a pena forçar um cara a casar a menos que

você possa ser feliz com esse papel.

Uma festa de casamento não é, e jamais será, um casamento.

Quando a gente começa a precisar de muitas provas

para se sentir segura talvez seja a hora de admitir

que a gente também deixou de acreditar.

dezembro 13, 2012 by Sarah W

A noite dos papéis trocados

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mso-level-text:o; mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:"Courier New";} @list l4:level6 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-text:; mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:Wingdings;} @list l4:level7 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-text:; mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:Symbol;} @list l4:level8 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-text:o; mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:"Courier New";} @list l4:level9 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-text:; mso-level-tab-stop:none; mso-level-number-position:left; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:Wingdings;} ol {margin-bottom:0in;} ul {margin-bottom:0in;} —Renata Oliveira está digitando. Não está mais. Voltou agora. Apagou a linha toda e acabou enviando só um sorrisinho. Ele responde:

– Vou entender como um sim.

Arrepiou inteira. Sabia o quanto queria e o quanto não deveria querer. As mãos pausam sobre o teclado. Ele insiste.

– Às nove?

Ela respira fundo e aceita. A contagem regressiva começa. Faltam 45 minutos e o cabelo parece sem salvação. Todas as calças legais estão sujas e ela cogita usar aquela legging brilhante. Prova e se sente meio aranhosa. Muita pretensão para uma quarta–feira.

Corre para o chuveiro e só depois lembra que esqueceu a gillete. Molha o banheiro todo, escolhe uma roupa com pressa, deixa a toalha em cima da cama e sai de cabelo molhado. No espelho do elevador, vira de costas e percebe que o jeans do short cedeu. Ato falho. “A única coisa que ele iria notar…”

Estava enganada. Mal abre a porta do carro e ele elogia o bronzeado.

– Deve ter feito sucesso na Bahia…

Tenta controlar a vontade de sorrir de volta, abaixa a cabeça e desvia o olho. Ele insiste.

– Bonita assim, certo que virou ponto turístico.

Coloca a mão na perna dela e aperta um pouquinho:

– Né?

Por baixo dos cabelos soltos ela ri. Adora suas cantadas toscas. Entende que toda a raiva que sentiu nesses últimos dias era só uma vontade frustrada de tê-lo por perto. Agora, a 80 cm de distância, o discurso ensaiado não faz o menor sentido.

Trança seus dedos entre os dedos dele.

– Menos, tá?

Para onde é que a gente tá indo?

– Você gosta de mojito, não?

Na verdade está com fome. Poderia encarar uma churrascaria, mas as segundas intenções vem primeiro. Concorda.

É janeiro e faz um calor abafado. O ano mal começou. As luzes do trânsito deixam a noite mais divertida. Com os reflexos no vidro, olha para ele e repara que tem o achado cada vez mais bonito ultimamente.

No restaurante, escolhem a mesa ao fundo. Ela pergunta do trabalho, conta da viagem e parece acertado pular os assuntos que gerariam conflito. Esquece o celular dentro da bolsa. É sempre com ele que ela quer falar.

O segundo mojito chega junto com uma onda de sinceridade.

Incomodada ela pergunta:

– Por que você não respondeu?

Você sabe que eu gosto de você.

O tema da conversa são mensagens de ano novo. No quadrado de Trancoso, cheia de amigos, ela jurou pra si mesma que não entraria em contato, mas foi só ver os fogos de artifício para morrer de saudade. Mandou um Whatsapp enquanto ele estava online, mas não teve resposta. Imediatamente, percebeu que a data abaixo do nome tinha sumido.

O ano mal começou e já tinha começado mal. Foram quase seis dias de silêncios e indiretas até que ele decidiu encontrá-la.

– Você toda linda, lá longe. Você acha o quê?

Que eu tava de boa?

– Ahh, vai tentar colocar a culpa em mim?

É essa a sua tática?

– Não, garota, não tenho tática.

Olha pra mim.

Ele chega bem perto e levanta o rosto dela.

Os olhos ficam na mesma altura.

– Você tá aqui brigando comigo e eu tô até agora querendo te dar um beijo.

Vem cá…

Ela beija. É um beijo conhecido que só tende a melhorar. As pausas, o ritmo, a respiração. Queria ficar mais tempo com ele, mas não vai ser hoje. Reluta, pede a conta, diz que precisa dormir cedo.

Ele a deixa em casa e ela vai embora com um “a gente se fala” atravessado na garganta.

Já são quase meia noite e ele se apressa. Abre a porta com cuidado e estranha as luzes acesas. Ao entrar no quarto, a outra o espera lendo um livro. Ele senta na cama e reclama das horas extras. A moça, de calcinha e sutiã, se comove com o cansaço do marido.

– Amor, quer que eu faça uma massagem?

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dezembro 7, 2012 by Sarah W

Sequestro em bandeira 2

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São Paulo é uma cidade perigosa, mas juro que

até agora só tive medo dos taxistas.

Não quero generalizar.

Conheci gente simpática, conversei amenidades

e fui entregue sã e salva diversas vezes.

Não todas.

Algumas experiências foram bem tensas.

A gente levanta a mão e nunca sabe quem vai parar.

É só fechar a porta que já me sinto refém.

Uma espécie de sequestro pós-pago com

um detalhe interessante: eu não sei para onde estou indo

e ele não sabe para onde está me levando.

Cada frase é um arrepio.

“Hum, essa não vira…”

“Era pra ter entrado naquela que passou.”

“Você prefere o caminho mais curto ou

o menos congestionado?”

Tudo bem que o meu rosto não ajuda muito,

meu sotaque não ajuda nada,

mas se ele ainda tinha alguma dúvida de que eu

não conheço o trajeto, a resposta me entrega:

“Prefiro o que chega mais rápido.”

A única coisa que corre é o taxímetro.

É desesperador.

Ontem saí de casa com R$ 12 na carteira

e pedi para parar no Banco do Brasil.

Demos uma volta incrível e

chegamos na agência. Do Itaú.

Sábado foi pior. Logo que entrei no carro,

o moço admitiu que não conhecia o endereço.

Mostrei o mapa no celular e partimos.

Depois de 10 minutos rodando, o taxista decide ligar o GPS.

Fica evidente a falta de traquejo com as tecnologias

quando ele me pede para digitar. A tela mostra o percurso

e me dá a real dimensão do perigo.

Ele não olha para o GPS. Em vez disso,

encosta o aparelho no ouvido como se fosse um radinho.

A insistência com que burla as instruções

faz com que eu desconfie de surdez.

Chegamos a uma rua sem saída

e depois entramos na contra-mão.

“É melhor você ir andando.”

Obedeço antes que ele mude de ideia.

Negocio o resgate, a adrenalina baixa e finalmente estou livre.

A sensação de roubo é inevitável,

mas decido encarar com um treino.

Da próxima vez, quero ir no porta-malas.

dezembro 5, 2012 by Sarah W

Algumas esperanças são estúpidas

Na próxima vida, espero ser mais prudente.

Quero nascer com a habilidade de prever a catástrofe

e dar dois passos pra trás. Pelo menos amorosamente,

basta que se anuncie a tempestade e lá vou eu

correndo pro mar. Queria ser um pouco mais inteligente,

dessas que avaliam o ser amado com rigor de

revisão automotiva, mas sou mais cuidadosa com

as minhas unhas que com o meu coração.

Já gostei dos imprevisíveis, dos infiéis, dos assumidamente

insensíveis e dos que a vida revelou assim.

Mesmo plenamente consciente do risco, de repente

me vejo valorizando possíveis indícios de interesse

recíproco e ansiosa para incluir o nome dele

numa conversa absolutamente fora de contexto.

Impossível retroceder ou dissimular. Vamos em frente.

Quero descobrir até onde vai a história, porque como

termina eu já sei. Termina com uma porta fechada.

Pode ser a do quarto, a do carro, a da sala de embarque.

Vamos nos despedir e eu vou sorrir como se estivesse tudo bem.

Conheço o que está por vir. Mesmo quando a gente pensa

que não tem nada a perder, a gente tem.

Você perde a novidade. O mistério vai embora e

leva junto boa parte da sua autoestima.

A ilusão termina ali, a agonia se estende mais um pouco.

Você fica alguns dias repassando o filme e

checando obsessivamente o celular.

Vai se convencer que a culpa é sua, embora conte

para amigas como se a culpa fosse dele.

Vai apagar o telefone, deletar todas as mensagens

e sobreviver como sempre.

São inúmeras as tragédias que por amor eu não evitei.

Sei quanto dói quando a porta fecha,

mas continuo procurando a porta.

Admito sem nenhum orgulho que devo ter

algum fetiche pela autodestruição.

O problema é grave, seríssimo.

Para ter a dimensão exata,

só se vocês vissem as minhas unhas.

*** A ideia da porta não é minha. Foi um conselho que recebi de uma recente grande amiga. Na hora em que ela falou, consegui visualizar as portas. Não foram poucas. Achei que valia a pena dividir com vocês.

*** Outra coisa importante: tenho andado muito relapsa com a frequência de postagens e acho fantástico que vocês ainda não tenham desistido de mim. Vou postar toda quinta-feira e aviso no face, pode ser? Um beijão!

PapelBaunilha

por Sarah Westphal

Month / dezembro 2012

Mãe, querida, agora eu entendo.

A noite dos papéis trocados

Sequestro em bandeira 2

Algumas esperanças são estúpidas